The Washington Post

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, then supply a new definition.
 
The winners are:
 
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
 
2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an a**hole.
 
3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
 
4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
 
5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
 
6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
 
7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
 
8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
 
9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
 
10. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
 
11. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.
 
12. Karmageddon: It's when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, and then the Earth explodes, and it's a serious bummer.
 
13. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you
 
14. Glibido: All talk and no action.
 
15. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
 
16. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
 
17. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
 
18. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
 
The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.
 
And the winners are:
 
1. coffee, n. the person upon whom one coughs.
 
2. flabbergasted, adj. appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
 
3. abdicate, v. to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
 
4. esplanade, v. to attempt an explanation while drunk.
 
5. willy-nilly, adj. impotent.
 
6. negligent, adj. absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
 
7. lymph, v. to walk with a lisp.
 
8. gargoyle, n. olive-flavored mouthwash.
 
9. flatulence, n. emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
 
10. balderdash, n. a rapidly receding hairline.
 
11. testicle, n. a humorous question on an exam.
 
12. rectitude, n. the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
 
13. pokemon, n. a Rastafarian proctologist.
 
14. oyster, n. a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
 
15. Frisbeetarianism, n. the belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
 
16. circumvent, n. an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

Amazing Truths

Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Law of the Theater & Sports Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better.. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.

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