A Christmas Rhyme
(as published in the Daily Mail (UK) 21/12/11)

Christmas is a’ coming
The geese are feeling great
As no one can afford fresh meat
To put upon their plate
The Coalition cuts suggest
For Turkey, beef and lamb
The best we can expect this year
Is old, recycled spam!

We can assist our Leaders
With a little sacrifice
Now wastage over Yuletide
Is deemed a modern vice
Instead of using festive lights
Tea candles come in handy
And make the beer last longer
By converting it to shandy!

Out go decorations
Gift-wrap, cards that greet
Stockings, unless full of holes
Should stay upon your feet
Christmas trees remain outside
Regardless, large or small
Unless the owner has in mind
To use the wood for fuel!

Shopping must be cutback
With the emphasis on saving
Better ways must be embraced
To satisfy our craving
Presents must be functional
Not pricey, glam or glitzy
Sourced from Pound emporiums
Or markets, such as Pitsea!

The ‘must see’ Panto this year
Is a Parliamentary farce
Where all the leading actors
End up falling on their ****!
With quite a lot of slapstick
A villain and a stooge
See N Clegg playing Hardup
Take on Dave C playing Scrooge!

© G A Hobbs, 2011

River

I find I am drawn to the river, at this point near the Basin
And I believe you are too

We sit and watch the occasional river traffic
Gliding effortlessly around the bend
Towards the estuary
While others make their way
Towards the bridge, on their way to the city

The static buildings queuing up along the banks
Look enviously on, like so many dancehall wallflowers

Tall cranes, trees and waterfowl complete the picture
As we listen to the lapping of the infant wave

Nowhere else quite captures the imagination
With all its history and spirit of adventure
On an idle, sunny afternoon

A police launch darts into view and the resting ducks scatter
Some merriment is heard from a neighbouring pub
And a distant siren reminds us of the bustling activity
Taking place just a few streets away

For the moment we are spared any direct intrusion
And simply focus
On the majestically flowing scarf of water
As it simultaneously connects
And separates the two banks

We shall stay until the sun
Finally disappears behind the old Tea Warehouse

                    Before and After

                    Before

                    How could I forget you
                    You're in my thoughts all day
                    Your absence drives me crazy
                    True love will find a way!

                    After

                    I wish I could forget you
                    You're in my face all day
                    Your yelling drives me crazy
                    I'd like to run away

Cup Final (A game of two scarves)

First Scarf

No fear, ticket here
Middle row of upper tier
Cold beer, atmosphere
We think this could be our year
Teams appear, ref austere
Starts the game of 'magic sphere'
Fifth gear, running clear
Past the post but very near
Persevere, plan unclear
Tactics much too cavalier
From the rear, long career
Pulling strings like puppeteer
Hard, sincere, buccaneer
Toward our goal the ball can steer
Sudden cheer, we just jeer
Simple error cost us dear
Rivals sneer, pleasure sheer
Piercing heart like poison spear
Tough veneer, single tear
Through the crowds and disappear

Second Scarf

Can't wait, don't be late
Now in sight of famous gate
See mate, short debate
Then to seats we navigate
Special date, stands vibrate
Quite soon now we'll know our fate
First rate, passing great
Pace of game we can dictate
Fouling spate, fans irate
Stirring up some tribal hate
Too ornate, they stagnate
Hand it to us on a plate
Crafty trait, orchestrate
Guile for speed can compensate
Perfect weight, header straight
Their defence is in a state
Fans create, celebrate
Famous teams we emulate
Jubilate, bars pulsate
Talk through game, exaggerate!

I’ve worked for many companies

I’ve worked for many companies, I know the business score
A few were taken in by me, but most showed me the door
One was sad to see me go, while others couldn’t wait
And some said ‘You’ve been out all night, you can’t work in that state!’

With my vast experience, you’d think I’d learn by now
To recognise the warning signs, like shots across the bow
It should mean something to me when the boss says ‘I’ll retire
But not before I beat you up and set your desk on fire!’

I don’t know what is wrong with me, I always try my best
I even showed initiative by cheating in a test
I got the top mark ever, was promoted to the board
The company went belly-up and I was done for fraud!

Another job was going well until I fell asleep
I took a nap inside my truck, the hill was very steep
I must have knocked the handbrake (sent the ‘monster’ on its way)
To flatten six new houses finished earlier that day!

My last attempt was sweeping roads, a job ‘right up my street’
I used to slip indoors to rest and grab a bite to eat
The foreman caught me out one day as I was sipping tea
He didn’t need my unused broom, he ‘wiped the floor’ with me!

I need a new direction, where the streets are paved with gold
I’ve heard you have it easy and your boss does what he’s told
I think I’ll phone your company and this is what I’ll say
‘I’m coming round to sort you out; this is your lucky day!’

I’ve worked for many companies, though most have now gone bust
I haven’t got a reference, I operate on trust
I’m house trained and I lie well, so I must be worth a chance
Because I’m back in court soon, you can pay me in advance!

All poems on this page © G A Hobbs, Imaginative Training, 2004 unless otherwise stated